White Elephants; We're Walking

Feeling melancholy. Like I should write a song.

Did I let people down? I don't know how I did but I'm feeling that there's distance.

It's probably just me again.

Words gather to create chatter

I don't want them to forget about me. I want to remain relevant and so I need to be present. He's right: there is no 'two lives,' no 'here and there;' there is only one I and I am here now. I wonder if I'm the only one who notices.

God has come through...those words so often I hear as empty. But all good things are God, right? And all bad things are the absence of God, yes? So why is God absent in some places? No, He is omnipresent...The world is fallen; it's the only conclusion I can come to, but it doesn't completely give me peace. There is war and destruction all throughout human history and then there are those verses where God says that only He knows what He is doing and that His plan is good. Even when He closes the mind of Pharaoh so that he will not let the Jews go, we are meager and it is not our place to understand. The potter chooses for what to use his vessels - perhaps one for trash and another for gold, another for magic. We trust Him. He is good. So what do I do with those verses? Those verses that literally haunt me?

If I am blessed, if I was born of privilege in a land of freedom, then with that power comes great responsibility.

I heard someone say once: When you finally come face to face with God and He asks you, "What did you do with the time I gave you?" How are you going to say, "I got a job."? I say it repeatedly: I do not want a job; I want to be a part of something bigger than myself.

I am consoled: people tell me that I can do "God's work" in all places, even as a telemarketer selling things that people don't need. I can believe that. I can believe that we "soldiers" are needed in all areas of the field. But at the same time I think, But why? Why settle for selling something that you know will not satisfy anybody - something that will become garbage and a waste of space in as little as a year? Maybe it's just the marketing world I cannot come to terms with...

Please, when you read this, do not feel accused. Let me speak honestly knowing that you understand that I do not judge you. It is me opening myself up looking for my own answer to my own problem (my own problem that I'm convinced most people share).

It's true: we need money to live...kind of. At least it is true that I need money to pay back these student loans (thank you). But it's also true that there are always alternatives. My God LOOK AT WHAT PEOPLE HAVE DONE! Look at the monuments that we have raised! Look at the cities that we have built! Look at the problems we have solved! (In spite of the damage we have done.) People are powerful with the right support, the right drive, a shared vision, shared energy, a good leader, hard work, and determined attitudes. It would seem that anything is possible. And so, perhaps

I am gathering my support. I am finding my drive. I am sharing my vision. I am gathering energy. I seek a good partner. I am training to work hard.

Am I determined enough?

Choose Wisely

"Choose wisely. In fact, we would ask a favor of you. If you decide you are a witch and that you will be open about it, don't tell the world for a year and a day. Learn everything you can about the Craft so that you may speak from knowledge. Cultivate your serenity and inner strength. Judge your words and actions before you speak or act, and then act and speak from love and kindness. Learn to see the magick all around you, so that curiosity and wonder are alive within you. Remember that you are holy and all people around you are sacred, and light the world with the radiance of the Goddess and God within you.

After that, if it seems wise, let the world know that you are a Witch. Then you will do honor to the Craft, the ancestors, and yourself." Amber K & Azrael Arynn K.

oh soul my soul

this I take

my soul to give

to live for this

my soul to give

I died in wake

my soul to give

on earth it's bound

my soul to give

mistaken names

my soul to give

a hand to hold

my soul to give

an eye to catch

my soul to give

I pray you see

oh soul my soul

Sex God

A journal entry I found in a random notebook. I'm pretty certain it's referring to Rob Bell's book, Sex God. I'm tossing out the page but want to keep this:

Sure, it's a book about sex, but it's so much more than that:

Virgin. Married. Active. Abused. Confused. Alone. Loved. Forgotten. Frustrated...

for these people (as well as myself) this book is a comfort, but also an inspiration.

Rob Bell knows how to turn his knowledge and love for God into applicable wisdom and enjoyment.

"Velvet Elvis" is perhaps even more ground breaking. It makes me think. It makes me jump up and sing at the top of my lungs unintelligible yet thoroughly expressive sounds: the only thing one can do when her heart is about to explode with feelings unidentified - with energy found new in a cosmic mystery. You know you're a part of something huge when you can't touch it, you can't see it - so you sing, and you love.

the cat's sitting on my lap

Trapped like an animal. I'm flinging myself into the walls and hanging from the chandeliers. I'm loading up on ice cream and throwing it into the streets.

I don't want to sit here and paint. I don't want to write or read or be calm or post on this site.

I had this dream a while back where I was screaming at the edge of a cliff into the space about me. It was raining and my hair was plastered to my face.

Hmm. Why am I sharing this? BECAUSE I WANT TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN! I want these feelings to be real and this anxiousness to be satisfied.

I scream inside this mouth behind these teeth inside this skull. You don't hear it but my ears are ringing.

I want to be active. To run, to dance, to jump, to fly, to physically DO SOMETHING.

I will GO

This marathon comes first. That is where I can focus this wondering mind and these jittery feet. I am done and graduated and left with the responsibility of free-time.

I was wondering...what makes a job feel like a career? A retirement plan, insurance that covers health, dental, and optical, paid vacation and sick time, and the ability to pay a mortgage, car expenses, and family needs...so, like, can I do that without a job?

lalalala RE-CENTERING: the marathon is what I want to focus on right now because if I focus on myself, I might just lose it. Please come and support me in this. I need help and encouragement from you so that I know that I am not running these miles in vain but that I truly am making a difference in those kids' lives.

Please visit this link for a direct way to donate.

ALSO keep a look-out for my upcoming open house where I can talk more about what I am doing and why as well as share kabobs, baklava, and hear own stories.

Can we be friends? I like friends.

cookies are baking

All I can do is wait. But I have to keep my head in the Word if I am waiting on Him. I have to give it up, but I want to recognize what he is offering, so I fill my mind with His work.

Clouds are forming. Tornados are spreading. Hurricanes are rising. Storms are crashing. This world is changing. I believe disasters will become a part of out daily news, and even our own daily lives. How do we function in this newly forming world? Who am I? I am not content in keeping a job, or even in creating artwork for people to buy. I have something to give.

I am somewhat suddenly drawn to flowers and to the fact that I can arrange them in new ways, almost like a collaboration with another artist far greater than I.

What I love about flowers is that they are beautiful. They are alluring and delicate, yet strong. They are glorious, yet they are humble. They bloom and shine without shame, and then they wither and they die simply, humbly, gracefully. They serve the earth and then move on. They are a tangible connection between the sun’s energy, the earth’s nutrients, and water’s life.

I want my hand in work that is tangible, public, lasting, but evolving, kind of like a flower’s life.

Lord, where do you want me?

I see thousands of college students wondering the exact same thing: where do we go next? We have these degrees and we are told that that means something and that it is good, but what does it do?

I am: VisualSensualEmpatheticPatientActiveIntuitive

I am a: DancerWriterNaturalistArtistStylistIntrovertedextrovert

Somehow these things can work together for the greater good.

For now, I am noticing the trees, the flowers, the birds, the clouds, and the storms. I am noticing that I am extremely blessed with people who love and support me. Thank you