When Heavy Metal Floats

I think, lying here next to Shadow (we share her bed of cedar) that somewhere there is a boy holding a gun; a soldier is being told he will fight a child army in Africa; someone is crying; someone is hemorrhaging; someone is being beaten, screaming; someone is cold and lonely; someone is wondering at the sky, why is it so beautiful if there is no hope?

I implode. A great rocket of a bullet picks me up when I look to the noise. It grabs me under the rib cage and throws me into the wall. My arms and my head and my hair fly forward of my body, my back crashes into the wall where my mother hangs the dead butterflies that I collect for her.

I crumble to the floor and this house is still here. I’m still here. Shadow cocks her head.

Turned on a dime, the rest of my life. I wonder how many ties I’ve left dangling - the ends burning and I don’t know when they’ll run out; sticks of incense become strings of ash. I think that I’ve built bridges and not cared to cross them. I thought I knew what I wanted, I usually do, but then I find myself most occupied doing the tasks that I deny myself. I love these threads and these needles. The paints and the pencils are familiar, but they stretch me differently. I wear make up when I sew. I get dressed to craft in sweatpants and lipstick.

I am. God knows. I do. Pray. Write. Linger. Binding leather to paper somehow creates truth and I believe it -a fool for the strange. For God I swoon because I thirst for His mystery. This world is most amazing with limited understanding. Give me the red moon; I don’t need to know why.

A retirement speech

This man, at his retirement party, at 24 years old, told the crowd in his motivational speech:

"Ask yourself, 'What do you want? When do you want it? And what are you willing to do to get it?'"

The rewards of this business were cars, shoes, a house, clothes, jewelry...at least that's what they showcased. Perhaps if they had shown a video of a girl swinging out of her canopy bedroom at the top of her tree house I would have been hooked. Of course, the one to earn the money may spend it on whatever he pleases.

I just couldn't help but notice.

And I was bothered.

I was out of place and I didn't feel comfortable. What I want doesn't fit in here.

So what do I want? When do I want it? And what am I willing to do to get it?

I want to live in a community of creators, living off the land, in support of one another, at the edge of a city.

I want this now. And I am willing to leave with the bag on my back.

I just don't really want to go alone...

White Elephants; We're Walking

Feeling melancholy. Like I should write a song.

Did I let people down? I don't know how I did but I'm feeling that there's distance.

It's probably just me again.

Words gather to create chatter

I don't want them to forget about me. I want to remain relevant and so I need to be present. He's right: there is no 'two lives,' no 'here and there;' there is only one I and I am here now. I wonder if I'm the only one who notices.

God has come through...those words so often I hear as empty. But all good things are God, right? And all bad things are the absence of God, yes? So why is God absent in some places? No, He is omnipresent...The world is fallen; it's the only conclusion I can come to, but it doesn't completely give me peace. There is war and destruction all throughout human history and then there are those verses where God says that only He knows what He is doing and that His plan is good. Even when He closes the mind of Pharaoh so that he will not let the Jews go, we are meager and it is not our place to understand. The potter chooses for what to use his vessels - perhaps one for trash and another for gold, another for magic. We trust Him. He is good. So what do I do with those verses? Those verses that literally haunt me?

If I am blessed, if I was born of privilege in a land of freedom, then with that power comes great responsibility.

I heard someone say once: When you finally come face to face with God and He asks you, "What did you do with the time I gave you?" How are you going to say, "I got a job."? I say it repeatedly: I do not want a job; I want to be a part of something bigger than myself.

I am consoled: people tell me that I can do "God's work" in all places, even as a telemarketer selling things that people don't need. I can believe that. I can believe that we "soldiers" are needed in all areas of the field. But at the same time I think, But why? Why settle for selling something that you know will not satisfy anybody - something that will become garbage and a waste of space in as little as a year? Maybe it's just the marketing world I cannot come to terms with...

Please, when you read this, do not feel accused. Let me speak honestly knowing that you understand that I do not judge you. It is me opening myself up looking for my own answer to my own problem (my own problem that I'm convinced most people share).

It's true: we need money to live...kind of. At least it is true that I need money to pay back these student loans (thank you). But it's also true that there are always alternatives. My God LOOK AT WHAT PEOPLE HAVE DONE! Look at the monuments that we have raised! Look at the cities that we have built! Look at the problems we have solved! (In spite of the damage we have done.) People are powerful with the right support, the right drive, a shared vision, shared energy, a good leader, hard work, and determined attitudes. It would seem that anything is possible. And so, perhaps

I am gathering my support. I am finding my drive. I am sharing my vision. I am gathering energy. I seek a good partner. I am training to work hard.

Am I determined enough?

Choose Wisely

"Choose wisely. In fact, we would ask a favor of you. If you decide you are a witch and that you will be open about it, don't tell the world for a year and a day. Learn everything you can about the Craft so that you may speak from knowledge. Cultivate your serenity and inner strength. Judge your words and actions before you speak or act, and then act and speak from love and kindness. Learn to see the magick all around you, so that curiosity and wonder are alive within you. Remember that you are holy and all people around you are sacred, and light the world with the radiance of the Goddess and God within you.

After that, if it seems wise, let the world know that you are a Witch. Then you will do honor to the Craft, the ancestors, and yourself." Amber K & Azrael Arynn K.

oh soul my soul

this I take

my soul to give

to live for this

my soul to give

I died in wake

my soul to give

on earth it's bound

my soul to give

mistaken names

my soul to give

a hand to hold

my soul to give

an eye to catch

my soul to give

I pray you see

oh soul my soul

Sex God

A journal entry I found in a random notebook. I'm pretty certain it's referring to Rob Bell's book, Sex God. I'm tossing out the page but want to keep this:

Sure, it's a book about sex, but it's so much more than that:

Virgin. Married. Active. Abused. Confused. Alone. Loved. Forgotten. Frustrated...

for these people (as well as myself) this book is a comfort, but also an inspiration.

Rob Bell knows how to turn his knowledge and love for God into applicable wisdom and enjoyment.

"Velvet Elvis" is perhaps even more ground breaking. It makes me think. It makes me jump up and sing at the top of my lungs unintelligible yet thoroughly expressive sounds: the only thing one can do when her heart is about to explode with feelings unidentified - with energy found new in a cosmic mystery. You know you're a part of something huge when you can't touch it, you can't see it - so you sing, and you love.